I woke up late this morning. I don't get to sleep no more these day. Missed my chance to meet up with her in the morning but was told she's gonna be down in town in an hour time for lunch with family. Jumped outta my bed, rushed out to store looking for flower. Dropped by 3 departmental stores but none had flowers. Disappointed, I went home and told her not to expect me for lunch anymore.
It is my grandparents death anniversary prayer at home today. I dashed out looking for flowers, knowing I was so not filial. As I prayed to my grandparents, I asked for them to end my misery and relieve me from all this pain.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
denial
Probably nothing hurts more than being the only one holding onto the relationship. When she doesn't care anymore, she has all the upper-hands, no restriction to her words, no regard for the relationship, what more my feelings.
I have been denied reasons to feel sad, stripped off all rights.
Fell face down into mud, got up, fell again. Pushed off the cliff, dropped dead, chose to remain dead, revived only to be pushed of the cliff again.
Sometimes it's easier to just die
I have been denied reasons to feel sad, stripped off all rights.
Fell face down into mud, got up, fell again. Pushed off the cliff, dropped dead, chose to remain dead, revived only to be pushed of the cliff again.
Sometimes it's easier to just die
In the beginning
In the beginning, there wasn't love. I first saw her in the office 3-4 months after joining the company. I still remember we first spoke about Downy activation plan in Giant store. I didn't handle Downy but immediately self appointed myself Giant Downy SPOC interested in interacting with her more often. First impression on her, she was fun to talk to, bubbly, always very positive, but pretentious. Nevertheless, I was attracted, had initial crush, so to speak. A few more contacts with her on Downy plans and then we stopped talking. Raj came back from his break and I was fired from my self assumed role. I just did not have any other reason to approach her.
Until Nat Con. All company new hires were automatically qualified to perform during Nat Con party night. And rounds of performance rehearsals were planned to ensure outstanding performance, although nobody really cared. A chore indeed when I had much better things to do like outperforming my peers, definitely. It wasn't a real downer, as she was part the new hire performance troupe, and I was secretly checking her out from afar during each of our rehearsals. I still never spoke to her, me being the cool, uncouth me. And I was STILL INVOLVED in a relationship, albeit a dying one.
It was then during the Nat Con party we started to speak again. I went outside the hall to smoke and she was there too. Both of us had cigarettes but no lighter and nobody was around to lend one. So she had this brilliant idea of getting cigs lid using flames from food tray heaters. She's gotta be one heck of a cool person to hang out with, I thought. And next was the after party at pool. She brought me there along with our peers, stripped me down to underwear, and off we jumped into the pool. We drank so much I don't think we could ever remember what exactly happened in the pool. But I would never forget all the fun I had with her in the pool.
As I walked her back to her room, she hugged me and asked if I was seeing anyone. A jackpot question but happened at the wrong time. "Yes", I said. Explained it was a dying one but did it even matter? A mere yes from me already killed her. And I thought it was only fair to me and her. Disappointed, both of us returned to our respective rooms to rest. M
The next day I woke up with massive hangover trying to partake in physically challenging team building activities. I was still trying to catch glimpse of her every now and then, didn't know if she was doing the same, but I felt all warm and fuzzy inside every time I knew she was nearby. She came to sit by me and spoke again during prize giving ceremony. I was so happy.
Nat Con ended and we had to leave - everyone packed and drove back. I wanted to see her one last time, so I called and texted her asking for cigarette as an excuse. She never picked up. She went home. But I was still really glad that we grew so close in just 1 day. The affection I had for her bloomed and grew as if we've been courting for weeks. I was pretty much all over her head and heels. Was looking forward to seeing her in the office the next day.
Our beginning has always been so vivid in my memory. It was almost always easy for me to recall exactly how our paths began to converge. But it's different with the what happened as we progress, and ultimately, as we called it off. Perhaps our journey together after the beginning was so contaminated with bickering, yelling, cursing and tears, my mind just automatically repressed these memories.
I want to be able to feel all warm and fuzzy inside again when we speak. Not staying awake until morning, licking my wound post another break up argument.
It was then during the Nat Con party we started to speak again. I went outside the hall to smoke and she was there too. Both of us had cigarettes but no lighter and nobody was around to lend one. So she had this brilliant idea of getting cigs lid using flames from food tray heaters. She's gotta be one heck of a cool person to hang out with, I thought. And next was the after party at pool. She brought me there along with our peers, stripped me down to underwear, and off we jumped into the pool. We drank so much I don't think we could ever remember what exactly happened in the pool. But I would never forget all the fun I had with her in the pool.
As I walked her back to her room, she hugged me and asked if I was seeing anyone. A jackpot question but happened at the wrong time. "Yes", I said. Explained it was a dying one but did it even matter? A mere yes from me already killed her. And I thought it was only fair to me and her. Disappointed, both of us returned to our respective rooms to rest. M
The next day I woke up with massive hangover trying to partake in physically challenging team building activities. I was still trying to catch glimpse of her every now and then, didn't know if she was doing the same, but I felt all warm and fuzzy inside every time I knew she was nearby. She came to sit by me and spoke again during prize giving ceremony. I was so happy.
Nat Con ended and we had to leave - everyone packed and drove back. I wanted to see her one last time, so I called and texted her asking for cigarette as an excuse. She never picked up. She went home. But I was still really glad that we grew so close in just 1 day. The affection I had for her bloomed and grew as if we've been courting for weeks. I was pretty much all over her head and heels. Was looking forward to seeing her in the office the next day.
Our beginning has always been so vivid in my memory. It was almost always easy for me to recall exactly how our paths began to converge. But it's different with the what happened as we progress, and ultimately, as we called it off. Perhaps our journey together after the beginning was so contaminated with bickering, yelling, cursing and tears, my mind just automatically repressed these memories.
I want to be able to feel all warm and fuzzy inside again when we speak. Not staying awake until morning, licking my wound post another break up argument.
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